I need you on the other end.

Good morning, Vietnam!!


I love March.
Driving, in the beautiful, beautiful sun.
laying in bed with the window open listening to the birds, and the river.

I love March.

And, I am going to the show, something i never thought would happen..
And I, am totally jazzed.

Everything is coming together.
And it's all. going. to be. Amazing.

Change, and growth.
Both, i spoke about last night when i wrote a fast little doo-dee-doo.

But,

I suppose i'm feeling this gnawing feeling in my stomache, because i really need to talk about it.
a lot.

the only person i expect to read this is Julie.
well,
Julia.
But I've always called her Julie in my head since I met her, haha.

And I don't mind if she reads this.

i just need to say it, i think.

I've been having so many thoughts, i just.
Haven't been able to say them.

So, bare with me. (i'm partially saying this to myself, haha. i just don't know how this is all going to work.)
i'm not trying to say any of this poeticly, or in a manner that is well put together.
I'm just gonna say it.
say it all.


I'm not so scared anymore.
I mean.
I'm scared of everything else, the big things.

But all of the other things i used to fear so badly in my head are getting a lot better, i've noticed.


I can't walk down the street by myself, and even sometimes with other people.
That's still the case, but it's easier now.
I can do it more often.
Not by myself still, unless i'm on my street in portland.
and even then, it's limited.

I just,
I don't know.
For the first time since i was little, the past few months, i've actually been so proud. of me. myself.
and that's such an amazing feeling, because it's so new to me.
I love myself again.
And I can reconize when I've really done something great.
It's taken me so long to get here,
but I'm here.
Not fully, i don't think.
But so much.
And it's a really emotional thing for me.
Infact, i'm incredibly teary, just as I type it.
Because it feels so good, and so sweet.. and beautiful. to be happy with myself.
I can see how far i've come.
And how much I've evolved.

And I don't care if I sound stupid.
Or if i sound all "Ooo, i'm so wonderful, and i think i'm hot shit."
Nope.
I don't care.
Because that isn't it, and i'm the only one who has to know it.
that's all that matters.

I'm different.
And I can see.
the changes.
even if nobody else can.

I see strangers, and people that look scary to me,
and I still get nervous.
really nervous.
and i'm cautious as hell.
But I can push through it.
I'm brave now.
And I don't feel like I need to run from everything.

I don't consider the fact that I left school, that i ran from it, though.
That wasn't it.
I wasn't happy.
And I was failing.
And it was killing me inside.
and making me unbearable to be around,
because i was so. angry with myself, as was everyone else.

So I needed to get out,
because I know what i want. I know where i'm going, and what I'm going to do.
And it wasn't needed to go through that.
I can still.
Get into the college i want to go to with a GED.
And with my portfolio.
I can.
And I will.
I've got hopes and dreams, and I won't just let them go by.
I need to make. something. out of myself. And I'm going to.

I'm going to do it for me.
I'm going to make me proud.
And if it makes the people around me proud too,
That.
Will feel twice as amazing.
But what i've learned.
Is that I need to just.
Be happy with me.
And concentrate on what i. need. to be happy with me.

This is all sounding totally redundant, i think.
But if redundancy is what it takes to get this all out of my mind, heart, body, and soul.
Then damn it, i'm just gonna be redundant.
hahaha.

hmm..
okay.
where to go from here.
haha.
I really really. just.
Iunno.
I'm just trying to get it all out word by word.

umm..

okay.


Sitting in my house alone at night,
I still have a hard time with.
Seeing cars drive down my street in the middle of the night,
I still have a hard time with.
Walking down the street, and seeing someone that i'm going to have to pass.
I still have a hard time with, but it's soooo much easier than it used to be.

And I'm gonna get there.
I'm gonna feel safe.

I still don't go to Walmart.
Especially at night.
Unless i'm with a big group, and recently when I was with Cole.

I choose to drive, never walk, even if it's just a couple blocks up.
When i'm in Grants Pass.

And when I'm in Portland, it's choosing to take the Streetcar for those few blocks,
but only at night.
During the day I can walk most of the time.
Especially down 23rd,
where i'm at a lot, so that's nice.

But I hate walking down 23rd at night.


And I still dont like sitting outside at the coffee house, or going inside to places that have a drivethrough.

But I'm getting.
so.
much.
better.

And I'm so proud of myself.
And I'm gonna get there.

I am. :]




next topic.
okayyyy.
Hahaha, I wish you guys could hear in my head how I'm trying to figure out how say everything!
ah! it's crazy!
hahahahaha.

I've just got all this. Stuff!!
Built up, and i'm ready ready ready to get it out out out!!!




Good lord, I'm not nearly as angry anymore.
fuckkkk, man.

It's so weird to see the things I used to write on here.
I mean.
It was all real, it was all there, and it all needed to be said.
but,
It's different now.

FUUUCCCKKK, i was so incredibly unhappy.
and so damn sad.

And you know what?

I'm still sad.
I'm still unhappy.
not to that extent, and I can push through it so much easier, and I can make the most of it.
and it's just over all, a lot better.

But i still am.

Yeah.
It makes me sad.
That I can see how much i've grown.
and how fucking different i am, and how many things i've accomplished now,
but no one else.
has really noticed.

not my sisters.
not my parents.
Not my friends.

And you know..
Maybe they have.
but..
they don't say it.

And maybe it sounds so damn selfish.
but sometimes.
i just need to hear.
that somebdy. is proud of me.

I'm getting published.
I would never think of hurting myself. ever. ever. again.
I've gone through seminars.
I've let people in more.
I'm so much less harsh, and I accept how different people are.
I don't get angry at the little things anymore, nearly as much.
I'm more brave.
I can push through being scared, instead of having fucking menal breakdowns when i walk down a street at night, and i see someone coming my way.
I've taken the time.
To learn.
About things around me that I didn't understand before, and therefor judged them.
I don't get upset, and annoyed. When Christians or Catholics write or talk about all the things that they believe in.
I now infact find it close to beautiful.
And I defend them. when people talk badly about them.
Granted, i get upset when they try to push it on me.
but i wouldn't think about getting angry when they just speack of it.
It's beautiful. it is. That they have something that makes them feel safe, and something to have faith in. and something that helps them know where they're going,

I've come to terms. and grown around so. so so much.

And getting published..
is amazing for me.
I've never been more proud.
i'm fifteen.
I haven't had training. and four-year art college kids, would kill for this job.
But I did it.
And yeah.

It made me sad.
When the people I love the most, didn't reconize it as being wonderful,
And didn't jump up and down, and tell me how happy they were for me, and høw proud they were.
It hurt.
a lot.

Fuck, man.
Chris fucking Bales, who i've never gotten along with (though, now, i do a lot more), was jumping, and yelling, and screaming for me. He was so happy.

And i didn't understand...
Why it wasn't the same with the people that i really really love.


But it's okay.
Being sad is okay.
And I'm okay.
and that's the thing.

Yeah, i still get sad. yeah, i still get angry.
But I'm focusing.
On the fact, that i know.
that i did something amazing.
And that I'm different.
And that never in a million years would I trade the state of mind, and the life i've got now,
for how I used to be.


Is this all making sense?
haha.

I doubt it,
and infact, i bet i even sound totally retarded to everyone.
But i don't care.

I've learned not to apologize for the way that I simply feel.


okay..
haha.
neeeexxxxxtttt....


mmmm.....
hahaahhahaa.
This is totally interesting for me to see how this is coming out.


I still get doubts about not being good enough,
or not living up to the standards that i've set for myself.

Example:
He fell out of love with me,
And there isn't a day that I wonder if it was because I'm not special anymore.
and that I've lost my spark.
and why can't i be good enough anymore.

But really,
I get confused, and I know that the people around me get confused too, as to why i even fret about it.
We weren't in a relationship.
it was right there in front of me for months, and I never took it.
For all sorts of reasons, of course.
First of all, he drives me totally crazy, and I hate being around him when we're with other people, and he's 22, over the top hungry for attention. plus, let's face it. he handles. NOTHING well, and he does stupid, stupid things. hahahaa.
and just. i don't know.

but when it's just us.
and he said the the things he said.
and he looks at me the way he does.
It still makes me feel good.
That somebody cared.
And it makes me wonder..
why it's not there anymore.

And he drives me.
SO. FUCKING. NUTS.
hahaha.

but fuck, do i miss him when he's gone.
Why why why do we have these patterns.
He's always walking in and out of my life.

And it kills. every time i know he isn't there.
for weeks on end.

And someimes.
I just need to hear his voice.

I get scared, and i need him on the other end of the line.
He can be more of a comfort to be than anyone sometimes.
a lot of the time, actually.

I'm surrounded by introverts, and sometimes they just don't know what to say.
but.
I know. that they love me.
I never doubt that.
and sometimes, most of the time, I know that that's enough.

But other times, when I really need to hear something,
he's there.



Yeah.
I've got doubts.
I've got doubts runnin' all over my body.
But i don't let them control me anymore.

That's not what runs me anymore.



And I'm so.
glad.



I miss people.
I miss my friends.
I miss Barbie.
I miss my sisters.
FUCK, do i miss them.

They're all still there,
but,
it's all so much more spaced out,
and I rarely see anyone anymore but Barbie, and sometimes Amanda.
And Christina too.

but even they, are still hard to get to sometimes.
It's hard not being in the school life.

everyone coming home and having all these stories of what happened that day,
and I wasn't there.

I'm on the outs, and I miss the feeling of always being around.

But i know.
That I woudn't trade that.
for what I've got now.


I.
Am growing.


And that's really all that I'm trying to say.
It took me a hell of a long time to get here.
And not just in the blog.
haha.
In life.

I really didn't esplain this as well as I wanted to.
but.
it's a start.

And I gess. i'm just saying.
That I'm different.
And I'm happy.
Even when I'm not.

I'm seeing the light of every tunnel.

And I have. a new state of mind.

And i'm not all happy-go-lucky, and giddy, and all, clouds and bubbles and hearts.
no.
I'm just at beautiful terms.
with myself.
:]

I am new.
I am fresh, and I don't care if it doesn't make sense.


I'm here.
And that's all.
That matters.


I love me.
I love you.
And fuck, do i love being here.


Goodnight, sweethearts.
I'm going to bed.

Sorry for the scrambles.
:]

This is the first time i've logged in for like..

 

Ever.

haha.

 

 

This are going well.

 

Very well.

 

I'm just feeling tired.

And I'm wondering when things will change.

 

We all know this about me, that things can't stay the same for long.

 

I'm like Mary Poppins.

I leave when the wind changes.

 

And right now, i'm waiting for the wind to change.

 

 

But things..

Things are good.

 

I'm happy.

All i needed was space and time.

 

I'm really not going back to school.

But maybe a new sort of school is coming up. :]

 

College.

Art College.

Very soon.

 

I can almost feeeeeel it.

 

I've grown a lot in the last year.

A lot, a lot.

 

 

And I'm ready for everything to grow with me.

 

Grow with me, everyone!

Experience this place up here!

 

It's beautiful.

 

I'm happy.

:]

 

 

 

Hii Julia!
: D

 

Fuck it.

Self trained catastrophist.

Okay.

So.



Basically.




Fuck you.

Im so fucking tired of the little things you try to pull.





Eat shit.

I've got this thing that I consider my only art.
Of fucking people over.